Driving Tips

From Shipmate, too good not to share these useful driving tips…

Save the expense of buying a Caterham by sitting in the bath wearing a helmet while a friend fires pieces of mud and rubber at your head and you pretend to get all indignant when a normal car overtakes you.

TVR drivers, save the expense of a trackday by simply getting up early, finding a local road, accelerating as hard as possible down the straights, crawl round the corners and go home at 11am due to mechanical failure.

Rich people, don’t bother learning to drive. Just buy a GT3 RS, a brightly coloured race suit and always drive in Novice sessions. No one will pass you so your ego will be intact.

Internet forum posters, save the expense of going to the Nuerburgring for the weekend by staying at home with your mum and then on Tuesday posting that you managed an 8:15 bridge-to-gantry time in your Clio, but there is more to come if the traffic and weather conditions allow.

Lotus Elise drivers, after crashing maintain the internet illusion that you are a great driver by claiming that there was diesel on the road, after all no one else knows there wasn’t and you don’t have to mention the biker that came through the same corner with his knee down at stupid speeds whilst you were waiting for the recovery truck.

Experience all the joys of Sat Nav without the expense. Simply buy a map and get your passenger to say ‘go left’ slightly after your junction and then announce ‘Please do a U-Turn’ in a really smug voice even though they know you are on a motorway.

Drivers with 9 points, when stopped for speeding simply tell the officer you just glorified terr*rism in a heated pub debate, that way he will have to arrest you under the Prevention Of Terrorism Act and you will avoid getting banned from driving.

Internet forum posters, pretend you are a great driver by heel and toeing to the Spar and back for milk.

Save the expense of Sat Nav by simply buying a map and giving it to your passenger, then ask them to continually give you directions to Droitwich even though you keep shouting ‘I am in flipping France and I am looking for the Eiffel Tower, you piece of sht’

Enjoy the Porsche Boxster ownership experience for less money by simply buying one with a blown engine and just parking it on your drive. You can still impress your neighbours with your Porsche while you are Zymolling it but you’ll have saved a fortune on running costs and no-one buys a Boxster to actually drive it anyway. You will also have the key to pose with in pubs.

Trackday heroes, when posting up trackday videos always leave out the laps where you get overtaken. Everyone will then think you are really good.

If you must wear a race suit on a touristenfahren at the ‘Ring, have your name embroidered on to it. It will save all those embarrassing “Who’s the wonker in the race suit?” remarks as everyone will already know who the wonker is.

Anyone have any other winners?

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