Monthly Archives: December 2008

Nigella Lawson vs. real women

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Nigella Lawson vs. real women

See how many of them you think are true……

1. Nigella’s Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
The Real Woman’s Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Goodness sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

2. Nigella’s Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman’s Way
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

3. Nigella’s Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman’s Way
Tesco sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

4. Nigella’s Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman’s Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s tough!  Please recite with me the Real Woman’s motto: ‘I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.’

5. Nigella’s Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks
The Real Woman’s Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?

6. Nigella’s Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman’s Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka: Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you won’t care

7. Nigella’s Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman’s Way
Why do I have a man?

8. Nigella’s Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
The Real Woman’s Way
Left over wine???? Helllloooo

Well, most of them sound spot on to me.   ‘Specially the last one!

New Bank HR Policy

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Managers are increasingly looking to be creative with respect to innovative ideas for improving a firms finanncial position during the Depression.   For example:

‘As many of our competitors continue to lay-off staff in order to get their costs down, we are pleased to announce that there will be no compulsory redundancies in the foreseeable future. We are, however, introducing a new staffing policy.

With immediate effect, we are reducing our mandated employee retirement age to 36. Although many staff might at first be concerned to learn that they will not actually be able to draw any pension until they reach 55 (and we will not be in a position to continue to make pension contributions for staff who have left the firm), please be advised that we have taken this action in your best long-term interests. Recent research has revealed that our industry is among the most stressful, and our new compulsory early retirement policy will probably mean that you will actually live longer. And life is not that bad on welfare. As you are aware, work / life balance has become a main priority for the firm and, as many of our over-36s have been working like dogs over the last few years, most could do with a break anyway.

We are also pleased to announce that, despite recent speculation, we have not imposed an across-the-board hiring freeze. We have, however, tightened up our hiring policy. The executive committee has decided that, during these difficult times for our industry, we will need experienced staff to pull us through. In future, therefore, we will not be hiring any new staff under the age of 34. There will be no more hiring kids in nappies.

It is also opportune to confirm that we will be moving to our new eco-friendly headquarters next month, as we have acquired that large field just outside New Jersey. Although we don’t plan any construction work there, at least our surroundings will be green.

Finally, it is only proper to update back and middle office staff on our intentions for year-end bonus payments. The good news is that most of you will be getting a bonus comparable to that you received last year. The bad news is that last year, of course, most of you got no bonus anyway. There will be no bonuses for front office staff either, as we closed all our front office businesses a few weeks back’.

Don’t laugh – too much of this is likely founded in truth….

The Office Party

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From the Here is the City website, a note from ‘The Management’ re the possibility of a Christmas party:

‘As you are already aware, due to the fact that investors are upset with us over the firm’s stock price (and the government is pretty miffed as it had to bail us out), earlier this year we decided to cancel our annual staff Christmas bash.

Many of you have, however, expressed anger at this decision, especially as some of our rivals have covertly arranged parties out of the public eye. And this year has been a difficult one to say the least – cheap food in the canteen is no more, cabs home are a thing of the past, and that lovely luxury toilet paper we have used for years has been replaced by something more akin to sandpaper. Not to mention that the chats we all used to enjoy around the water coolers are no more – as there are no longer any water coolers. And the tea and biccies in the meeting rooms have also been canned, along with the fruit trolley. The bar outside the canteen has also been mothballed.

We do appreciate that a year-end p.ss up, and an opportunity to make inappropriate comments to females colleagues, is the only fun many of our male staff are likely get this Christmas. And, as many of you have correctly pointed out, being totally tanked up and violently sick at the bank’s expense has become something of a tradition, and freezing your socks off late at night, whilst being ignored by countless black cabs as you attempt to get a ride home, is good for morale. Furthermore, isn’t it only appropriate to raise our glasses in honour of the thousands of our colleagues who never came back to their desks this year, after having received a telephone call from an anonymous staffer in HR asking them to go up to one of the executive meeting rooms for a brief chat ?

With all this in mind, we have had a rethink. A quick calculation has revealed that, for the cost of rather less than 50 risk management staff, we can push the boat out again this year, after all. So, go find your dancing shoes, we’re gonna drink and party like there’ll be no 2009!’

Absolutely.

LE JOG 2008

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Spare a thought for our friends taking part in this years LE JOG (The Lands End to John O Groats reliability trial, to non rallyists).   We met them last eve on their first rest halt since starting at 0800 that morning at Lands End and while they had 2 hours to feverishly plot the nights routes, they would be denied any sleep until arriving in Runcorn at about 4.00 am.    And it went down to – 10deg c last night.

This 1925 Derby Bentley – is absolutely splendid.   The crew are insane.

Their route took them from Magor services in South Wales through the hills and valleys with a range of rally trials from hillclimbs, navigation sections and regularities (at constant average speeds).

Rallying is hard work but immense fun, although I still cannot understand who would want to do this in an open car.   Especially an open car that is over 80 years old….

Good luck to them all – the rally finishes on Tuesday morning at John O Groats and between now and then the crews will only have one proper nights sleep.     Brrrr…time to put another log on the fire methinks.

Happy Birthday Britney

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Who would have thought she’d be back from the brink after last years head shaving and going a bit mad nonsense?   It certainly wasn’t pretty to witness…and although I did not see her X factor performance or Simon Cowell meeting her and subsequently suggesting she was in awe of him (Simon, you need to spend a little time out of your own ego) I did like the lyrics to her last hit, Piece of Me.   Someone has a sense of humour:

I’m Miss American Dream since I was 17
Don’t matter if I step on the scene
Or sneak away to the Philippines
They’re still gonna put pictures of my derriere in the magazine
You want a piece of me?
You want a piece of me…

I’m Miss bad media karma
Another day another drama
Guess I can’t see the harm
In working and being a mama
And with a kid on my arm
I’m still an exceptional earner
And you want a piece of me

So happy birthday Miss Spears.   And welcome back.

Driving Tips

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From Shipmate, too good not to share these useful driving tips…

Save the expense of buying a Caterham by sitting in the bath wearing a helmet while a friend fires pieces of mud and rubber at your head and you pretend to get all indignant when a normal car overtakes you.

TVR drivers, save the expense of a trackday by simply getting up early, finding a local road, accelerating as hard as possible down the straights, crawl round the corners and go home at 11am due to mechanical failure.

Rich people, don’t bother learning to drive. Just buy a GT3 RS, a brightly coloured race suit and always drive in Novice sessions. No one will pass you so your ego will be intact.

Internet forum posters, save the expense of going to the Nuerburgring for the weekend by staying at home with your mum and then on Tuesday posting that you managed an 8:15 bridge-to-gantry time in your Clio, but there is more to come if the traffic and weather conditions allow.

Lotus Elise drivers, after crashing maintain the internet illusion that you are a great driver by claiming that there was diesel on the road, after all no one else knows there wasn’t and you don’t have to mention the biker that came through the same corner with his knee down at stupid speeds whilst you were waiting for the recovery truck.

Experience all the joys of Sat Nav without the expense. Simply buy a map and get your passenger to say ‘go left’ slightly after your junction and then announce ‘Please do a U-Turn’ in a really smug voice even though they know you are on a motorway.

Drivers with 9 points, when stopped for speeding simply tell the officer you just glorified terr*rism in a heated pub debate, that way he will have to arrest you under the Prevention Of Terrorism Act and you will avoid getting banned from driving.

Internet forum posters, pretend you are a great driver by heel and toeing to the Spar and back for milk.

Save the expense of Sat Nav by simply buying a map and giving it to your passenger, then ask them to continually give you directions to Droitwich even though you keep shouting ‘I am in flipping France and I am looking for the Eiffel Tower, you piece of sht’

Enjoy the Porsche Boxster ownership experience for less money by simply buying one with a blown engine and just parking it on your drive. You can still impress your neighbours with your Porsche while you are Zymolling it but you’ll have saved a fortune on running costs and no-one buys a Boxster to actually drive it anyway. You will also have the key to pose with in pubs.

Trackday heroes, when posting up trackday videos always leave out the laps where you get overtaken. Everyone will then think you are really good.

If you must wear a race suit on a touristenfahren at the ‘Ring, have your name embroidered on to it. It will save all those embarrassing “Who’s the wonker in the race suit?” remarks as everyone will already know who the wonker is.

Anyone have any other winners?