I used to send these out by e-mail and in fact have a huge Word document full of the best ones which I recieved regularly… they seemed to have waned of late, which is a shame. This one has been around for ages (I’m sure Word Perfect went phut eons ago) and I was reminded of it today in an e-mail from our technical advisor at the shoot. Frankly amazed that he can even use a computer, I thought I had to share it.

Most of these stories, like the Darwin awards, profess to be true, but may at least be apocryphal: who cares, as long as they put a smile on your face.

So, allegedly a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for “Termination without Cause”.

Operator: “Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?”
Caller: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
Operator: “What sort of trouble??”
Caller: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away.”
Operator: “Went away?”
Caller: “They disappeared.”
Operator: “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
Caller: “Nothing.”
Operator: “Nothing??”
Caller: “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
Operator: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??”
Caller: “How do I tell?”
Operator: “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??”
Caller: “What’s a sea-prompt?”
Operator: “Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”
Caller: “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I
type.”
Operator: “Does your monitor have a power indicator??”
Caller: “What’s a monitor?”
Operator: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on??”
Caller: “I don’t know.”
Operator: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that??”
Caller: “Yes, I think so.”
Operator: “Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s
plugged into the wall.
Caller: “Yes, it is.”
Operator: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??”
Caller: “No.”
Operator: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable.”
Caller: “Okay, here it is.”
Operator: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into
the back of your computer.”
Caller: “I can’t reach.”
Operator: “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??”
Caller: “No.”
Operator: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over??”
Caller: “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s
because it’s dark.”
Operator: “Dark??”
Caller: “Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.”
Operator: “Well, turn on the office light then.”
Caller: “I can’t.”
Operator: “No? Why not??”
Caller: “Because there’s a power failure.”
Operator: “A power… A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked
now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
computer came in??”
Caller: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
Operator: “Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought
it from.”
Caller: “Really? Is it that bad?”
Operator: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
Caller: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??”
Operator: “Tell them you’re too *@%#ing stupid to own a computer.

The twist in the tale? True or not, you know this sort of thing does happen in a home near you, every day. Anyone else prepared to admit to a bit of technological stupidity? Names will be witheld to protect pride. Unless it’s too good to resist of course!

The newspapers in the UK are full of accusations that the exam system has become a farce as the questions are now so easy that even your average Member of Parliament could probably get a couple of half decent A levels.

The news then, of a proposed policy on swearing in schools, is probably all you needed to prompt you to sell a kidney and get the nippers into a decent private establishment.

Alan Large, head of Weavers School, in Northamptonshire, has defended his policy of allowing pupils to swear five times per lesson saying the move is only aimed at those students who swear in everyday conversations. Oh that’s OK then.
He insists it is not a licence for teenagers at the Wellingborough secondary to tell their teachers to “f-off”.

A tally of how many times the f-word is used in a lesson will be kept on the board. At the end of class, the teacher will talk to the youngsters about their use of the word.

Mr Large has come under fire since his unique scheme was made public.

Under fire? Really? Queue a dramatic increase in the use of profanity in the playground to gain an entitlement to impress the rest of your class with your knowledge of the English four letter vocabulary.

Unfu*@ingbelievable.

Score One to me then.