New Bank HR Policy

Managers are increasingly looking to be creative with respect to innovative ideas for improving a firms finanncial position during the Depression.   For example:

‘As many of our competitors continue to lay-off staff in order to get their costs down, we are pleased to announce that there will be no compulsory redundancies in the foreseeable future. We are, however, introducing a new staffing policy.

With immediate effect, we are reducing our mandated employee retirement age to 36. Although many staff might at first be concerned to learn that they will not actually be able to draw any pension until they reach 55 (and we will not be in a position to continue to make pension contributions for staff who have left the firm), please be advised that we have taken this action in your best long-term interests. Recent research has revealed that our industry is among the most stressful, and our new compulsory early retirement policy will probably mean that you will actually live longer. And life is not that bad on welfare. As you are aware, work / life balance has become a main priority for the firm and, as many of our over-36s have been working like dogs over the last few years, most could do with a break anyway.

We are also pleased to announce that, despite recent speculation, we have not imposed an across-the-board hiring freeze. We have, however, tightened up our hiring policy. The executive committee has decided that, during these difficult times for our industry, we will need experienced staff to pull us through. In future, therefore, we will not be hiring any new staff under the age of 34. There will be no more hiring kids in nappies.

It is also opportune to confirm that we will be moving to our new eco-friendly headquarters next month, as we have acquired that large field just outside New Jersey. Although we don’t plan any construction work there, at least our surroundings will be green.

Finally, it is only proper to update back and middle office staff on our intentions for year-end bonus payments. The good news is that most of you will be getting a bonus comparable to that you received last year. The bad news is that last year, of course, most of you got no bonus anyway. There will be no bonuses for front office staff either, as we closed all our front office businesses a few weeks back’.

Don’t laugh – too much of this is likely founded in truth….

The Three Pigs

Singapore Tim sent this one over.. which I like.. and as I’m too damn busy to sit and write a sensible post, here goes:

A true story, blah, blah, blah…. (yeah, right)

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read …

“and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?”

The teacher paused then asked the class: “And what do you think the man said?”

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly…”I think the man would have said -“Well, **** me!! A talking pig!”

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

The end of the cup

Walking through St. Helier High St. in Jersey on Tuesday, you should have seen the amount of discounted ‘Ingerrrlaaand’ logo’d kit on sale ….  Cheap T shirts by the gross.  I bet all those plonkers with flags on their cars feel.. well, like plonkers now.

So, thank heaven it is all over.   Two Shags and the usual political blood letting dominate the news again, even pushing the demise of Enron’s Ken Lay to the depths of page 5.   Proof, if we ever needed it, that in the battle for the front page, a good political scandal has no equal.

I will end my cup comments by appending a joke, which is in effect a rehash of a fairly poor taste one set in South Africa, during apartheid.  I’ll say no more..

Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow – clearly being menaced by a very large shark.

Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling …… It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, “I’ll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries.” She knighted them and sailed away. As she departed Rooney asked the others, “Who was that?!

“That,” Beckham answered, “was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country.”

“Well,” Rooney replied, “she knows F all about shark fishing. How’s the bait holding up?”

Thanks to Stuart for that one.

Backwards Bush

The internet is a wonderful thing,    Surfing, searching for inspiration for a blog for today about Dan Brown, I came across a site about ambigrams and then a link to this site…..Backwards Bush.   Tenuous links indeed…and more about Dan Brown later.. if I have time dear reader….

I digress…clearly not a republican site, it contains a backwards counter, because counting backwards makes time pass more quickly (?), displaying how long Dubya has left in office.

They are also offering for sale a keyring countdown – simply a must have for all good democrats this season – and offer a tempting list of reasons why you need one:

  1. You’ll never again be mistaken for a Republican.
  2. Wearing one around your neck helps to keep Republicans away and smells much better than garlic.
  3. You can attach a magnet or tape to the back of it and hang it anywhere you damn well please!
  4. Carrying a BackwardsBush keychain will make it much easier on the Secret Service to identify you when they break into your house in the middle of the night to take you to Guantanamo.
  5. In case of impeachment, keychain can easily be reset to reflect new departure date.
  6. It’s worth buying one just to see how ticked off Republicans get when they see it.
  7. Purchasing a BackwardsBush keychain instantly qualifies you for “Enemy Combatant” status.
  8. You might as well spend your money on a keychain now, because if social security gets privatized, you won’t have any money left!!!
  9. Once Bush gets his judges on the bench, the keychains will be illegal (and therefore a collector’s item).
  10. Since you’re reading this, you’re probably already being spied on by the NSA so you might as well make it worth it!!!

Wonderful….and it put a smile on my face today.